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Death, Dismemberment, and Canned Collusion


The Nightcap

Nightcap for October 23rd, 2018

APERITIF:

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.” – Mark Twain


Monkey Murder: Man killed with Hailstorm of Bricks

I’m not really a hugeee fans of monkeys. Their near human intellect has always weirded me out and for good reason; since it turns out they’ll MURDER us.

Don’t they know that’s our job?!

Dharampal Singh was collecting pieces of dry wood when a ‘rogue’ group of monkeys launched an ambush on the 72-year-old, unleashing a firestorm of bricks that ultimately killed the poor guy.

Mr. Singh’s brother Krishnapal explained, “Monkeys threw more than 20 bricks at Dharampal on Thursday. Thrown from quite a height, the bricks were enough to kill him. These rogue monkeys are the real culprits and must pay for it.”

However, Police won’t be pursuing the case and have officially considered it an accidental death.

Smells like monkey business to me… Learn more here



Saudi Mystery Murder Adventure

When it comes to the grisly and controversial death (aka apparent assassination) of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Twain appears to have hit the nail on the head. For though I can’t imagine anyone is particularly surprised the autocratic and famously brutal Saudi regime went ahead and murdered a vocal, and self-exiled, critic; the utter audacity of the affair is astounding.

Khashoggi went into the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul Turkey to get some paperwork for marriage and never came out.

Turns out he was dismembered by FIFTEEN MEN who then apparently dissolved the pieces… pleasant.

While the political ramifications have been the big news the carnage of this particular case is in of itself fairly newsworthy.


Tuna Can Collusion: Fishy Financials

The megacompany famous for stacking the shelves with canned albacore, StarKist Co. has reportedly agreed to plead guilty to charges of price fixing as part of a conspiracy with two of its competitors to keep the price of canned tuna high.

While finding MUH RUSSIAN COLLUSION has turned up nothing thus far, Federal prosecutors nailed ‘big Tuna’ on this one which includes a fine of up to $100 million, according to The Associated Press. In the same deal, a former StarKist executive and two former Bumble Bee Foods executives pleaded guilty to price fixing; which is actually kind of a big deal since the 3 hold nearly the whole market.



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Written by Ryan C


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