The Great Floridian Tequila Heist

The Nightcap

Nightcap for January 4th, 2019


“Tequila is not even a drink; it’s a way for having the cops around without using a phone.” – Dylan Moran

Four Dudes and a Truck

Apparently, that’s all these champions needed to attempt the swipe of the century. While the four alleged masterminds were found with the totally not massively conspicuous trailer packed with a lifetime supply of Patron tequila, one can’t help but admire the big effort for the new year.

Florida police say that they have arrested four men on charges related to the theft of nearly 1000 cases of tequila from a truck stop.

The tequila heist took place on Sunday, December 30, at a Tampa Truck Stop when a truck driver hauling 966 cases of Patrol tequila stopped off for dinner.

Around 11 p.m., the truck driver realized that his trailer — and all of the tequila — was missing.

The Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office started searching for the trailer and tracked the bumbling thief’s down where they observed four men loading boxes of tequila from the trailer into a box truck… and well, we know where this one goes as they couldn’t exactly eat the evidence.

Banking So Bad Claiming Otherwise Caused a Lawsuit

Wells Fargo is probably glad for the new year, as 2018 – and several years prior – were not too good for the American financial institution.

Wells Fargo stockholders, who had been hearing about the company mending its ways, only to get hit with one stock-plummeting bombshell after another, decided they couldn’t take the bs anymore.

They actually ended up suing, citing the bank’s repeated claims about improving compliance and transparently admitting errors, which gave them the confidence to maintain their investments. The stockholders sought to recoup losses from shares tanking after the revelations of further abuses that the company was revealed to have known about for years.

Wells Fargo’s response? The ads are lies, which is okay “These statements are paradigmatic examples of non-actionable corporate puffery on which no reasonable investor could rely,” their legal filing asserts. Puffery is actually a legal term protecting companies from being sued for hyperbolic claims like ~best toilet paper ever made~ etc. Sadly, apparently for Wells Fargo claiming to not engage in more egregious malpractice is Puffery…

The Army Sucks at Humor

The U.S. military tweeted a decidedly ill-advised New Year’s Eve message Monday afternoon: that they could drop nukes at any moment and wipe out humanity… lol.

The post and accompanying video went live as the country prepared to ring in the new year by watching the famous New York City ball descend at midnight.

The U.S. Strategic Command ended up deleting the veiled threat of annihilation stating, “We admittedly erred in connecting it to New Year’s Eve festivities, and we apologize We remain dedicated to the security of America and our allies.”

That’s all well and good but can we chill on the WMD jokes?